is there always a plane in the sky here? I feel like there is, often. Now I hear a sax and the chickadees. 

January 16, 2023

I just went to war with myself and I’m coming out the other side; certainly with scars, certainly a bit traumatized. I tried dating and my body combusted. I feel so hard and there is about ZERo capacity within me to care and so when I begin feeling that urge my body is itself a contradiction. The desire and intrinsic inclination to love meeting a physical aversion. I suppose more tears need to be cried, I suppose more journaling needs to be done and more self discovery. Always room for more self discovery.

AhAhAhAhAhAh the seagulls are laughing at me.

I feel like something within me has been opened I (at this moment) no longer feel afraid, feel the need to reach any place first. I do however need to get a nutritionist and I do need to look into a new therapist. And I do need to find comfort within myself even if that feels silly and fake. 

I love me. I think I am so cool and I MUSt nurture the parts of myself that feel awkward and maybe a lil autistic. I must create. The kids will be great for me. 

I love the kids. I love myself. I love the world. I am so grateful for this life. I am so grateful that I can sit here on this grass watching the sun fight its way through the clouds. I see myself in the sun. I am grateful for my body, my brain that I can breathe deeply and love deeper. For my feelings and my creativity. That I am honest, and real, never fake…never. 

It’s not going to feel the same for awhile, you rocked my world, and I yours. we were cosmic, like a supernova. born under great pressure and in the alignment of the stars. burned brightly with an all consuming warmth that radiated between our bodies until like all stars we burned out. our energies, memories, flesh vessels collapsing within one another.

each next post is about how i am returning to this medium. really i just should make a substack or something…but regardless the next several post are going to be typed up journal entries from months ago. I want to begin again here, and maybe here isn’t the right place but for right now it works. lots of love, emma

this is the story of procrastination. i finish my reading, great i can start my assignment that will literally take me 30-45 minutes TOTAL. but wait i deserve a reward for finishing my reading so …. youtube.com. cool new video of puppies yay! and my favorite podcast put something out yay! let me just watch an hour and a half of youtube. and now i want music so i want to put on some john legend, obviously save room, the best song of his. this is a good love song. is this song about chrissy? when did him and chrissy start dating? google.com oh they met on a music video shoot, for this album. damn, i want to see that music video. youtube.com. and now i am feeling an itch to read back on all the texts between my ex and I because of this love song. okay great now i’m crying…..posting on tumblr…scrolling down,,,,damn i’m funny. i should post on this more often…shit its 2:34 am and i still haven’t done this fucking shit. i should probably email my teacher to tell her i will have it in by sunday….but is that feasible? who knows,…? i will write some of it right now. 

Raving about these trees, the constants in the world make hoping easy sometimes. Spring time is coming, no ifs ands or buts about it.

Ack! I have effectively given up on this endeavor that really lasted about 4 weeks. But not to fear because effectively means I can do something about it. I am sicky icky bobicky and it is late. i just posted a bit of a provacateour photographia on my instagram. however i subverted the sex rhethoric by composing ugly selfies over the areas where my face is so its funny. at least i think it to be. but i was kinda freaking out bc yes it is a bit of a sharing stretch, one i don’t do often, but truly i must remember this body is MINE and yeah everyone can see it if i want them to, and sure, this tonight i want them to. and yeah amythest from my indigenous medicines class can see my undies, sure, my great aunt can see my pubic area, why not, my ex and all his friends can see my bawdddy shawtyy. I just need to remember that this is all mine. i mean the song i put under it was funny, one tree hill “i don’t want to be anything other than what i’ve been tryna be lately.” i mean damn. like thats so true, and here is me and this is what i am. a sexy self depricating queen. so come one come all stare into my lavender boyshorts and try to find a stray hair, and gaze into the eyes of a glazed out wohman. and applaud her.

My body is made uncomfortable in your absence. The moment it knew of it, it began to hurt, reminding me of the soft tender moments we no longer share. My body is turning itself inside out because of u. Because i desperately wish to be nowhere near you but i look for you everywhere. Because the thought of u makes me sick but your touch would settle me. Because i desperately want to talk to you but my words come in tears. I am completely combustable. 

Last night at montana de oro. Shmoke shesh, Ramen feast, drunky me. I shlurped it down town (both ramen and drinky pinky). I miss these mega fools. I feel so entirely me and they love me and i love them and we love us, and it feels so good.

The life of an elephant seal is honestly astounding. They spend most of their year deep sea diving far out in the ocean. Its quite impressive. The female lions are particularly adventerous as they spend 7 months out at sea diving up to 3000 meters or something crazy like that. We can only see them as these beached whales blubbering about, seemingly so improperly evolved to match their environment but what we dont see are their superpowers.

our day out of camp. we went to morro bay and walked around the rock. there were several otters in the water, one with a pup. it was quite cute to see them do their barrel rolls in the water as if they were floating in the air. otters grow 50 hairs per follicle which makes their coats practically impenetrable from water. hydrophobic. we walked to the carin rock area of the beach, saw a couple or pretty terribly managled seagulls, ones wing was completely broken flipped the totally wrong way and another whose foot was just hanging off its body like a worm. An elderly couple was following the broken winged bird around. Not sure what their goal was or if they just wanted to watch, perhaps they are birders. I saw it as just more stress for the seagull that couldnt fly.

got fish and chips and chowder and a root beer. We drove to the elephant seal visitor center and met a wonderful woman named karen who taught bio and ecology at mira coasta community college. She asked us all about what we were studying and how we are friends. She was so beautiful in the energy she carried. we drove to see the elephant seals, we saw some seal pups, we saw the dominant male mounting an already pregnant female which was lowkey violent. he was throwing his head onto her body while he was trying to fuck her. i asked all my questions to the docents that were walking around and we used their binoculars to see the pups. So small and cute.

We all got very excited about the seals, the perfect way to feel like children together was to be in awe of everything that was around us. The same happened when we were all high on our beach convalesence day. A turkey vulture swooped down over our heads, we could hear the beatting of the wings, its under belly. It was just, awe.

Day two:

I slept like a gem, no longer looked like paris hilton camping with a massive air mattress for a sleeping pad and a tissue for a sleeping bag. Because its winter time we have been going to sleep around 9:30 and waking up around 8/9 so we were getting early starts. The wake up lineup always went yael jenna dalya me then avrah.

For breakkie we had mushroom onion scramble with the remaining breakfast patties. Today was a less sunny day then the day before and that was good because jenna was feeling much better so we decided to do the bluff hike. We got ready to go and shlepped out around 11.

The bluff trail was beautiful. We walked most of the way and had lunch, sandwiches which were deliciousosos. Then went bag to coralina cove to go tide pooling. Low tide was around 3:30 that day. We went tide pooling and saw so many anemones, hermit crabs, mussles, barnacles, beautiful underwater lichen and a few full sized red crabs and a starfish. I had said that if we saw an octopus I would shave my head. We didnt see one :( I guess its not the time.

By the end of the hike when we were hanging out on the sand i had to go shit so badly so i walked all the way back to the bathrooms at the visitor center, holding it at just the right point so that it didnt come out nor did it go back in forever. It was a crazy race. My stomach was in knots. But i finally got there and let it out. I saw this cool graffiti that said “glue!” i want to get embroidered on a shirt at the mill.

Back at camp we pull out the massive barefoot bottle of wine, get a lil drunko, make tacos and i gulp them down.

emotional orgy (well basically jenna) planned camping trip for the 6 of us. Aliza decided against going which made me a bit apprehensive because of course I am closest with her. I spent no time planning and I forgot all of my goodies back in Seattle, like the most amazingly cushy sleeping bag. So I brought mamas which is meant for late summer heat camping because it was as thick as a top sheet. The first night was an absolute nightmare I was so fucking cold. I had my ski pants on three pairs of wool socks on and about 6 top layers and my feet were just completely numb. I woke up in the middle of the night freezing. I cried. I cried about many things, about the possibility of losing my toes, about my loneliness, wishing I could wake up next to someone every morning. I came to terms about losing my toes, save the body, sacrifice the digits. Its 5 am, I finally get out of the tent to go look for possible blankets. I find the Ramah picnic blanket in the car and use that over my sleeping bag. It got me through the night. 

day 2: jenna wakes up totally sick so we take an easy morning. we call avrah for emergency supplies, ei: sleeping bag, nyquil, hot cocoa, milk, and extra blankets. we make breakfast which is beyond sausage and eggs. then spent  the whole day lying out on the beach in the sun. it was our convalescence by the seaside.

we all took edible gummies at 11 am, really getting it on, and then just hung the fuck out. jenna slept all day, yael and i did two dunks into the ocean. that was really wonderful for me, ringing in the new year with the frigid salty sea, corn dogged in the beautiful pebbled sand, and went right back in.

We made sammies that i took 30 minutes to finish bc i was so high. At some point I was bored enough to fet myself up and walk around, i walked the tide pools and up this larger formation that grew out of the shore. It was really beautiful over there it looked like a mermaid grotto. The geology was so amazing and rich in color and texture. I always feel so inspired by the beauty of things.

avrah came at dusk. We make impossible burgers, so good, and smoke by the fire. It was such a good first day with so many laughs.

Friends getting more beautiful every year

Me and my man ❤️ reminding me of scout

A poem i wrote on the fridge at joes house almost two years ago now. They had the sex and pleasure fridge magnet pack. I charged myself with the task of creating something not explictly sexual and i made this. I hold it deeply in my heart. I love this poem.